The flood floored me in more ways than I can express. Emotionally, physically, mentally. It just changed me, it changed my outlook, and it changed my relationships. I don't love it all. It's evolution. It just happens.
I have been on an internet blackout for a few weeks. I still did research, but I stayed away from all things social.
I tend to do two things when I'm in the sea of artists and people I love. I wander off on rabbit trails, because I want to do it all...and I compare.
There is no way I will ever measure up to every amazing artist that I keep in touch with, or watch from the sidelines. And I want to be better. Always. Comparison is the thief of joy. (Teddy Roosevelt said that first, I only echo it...regularly...not out loud, but in my head...so I don't sound redundant.)
I've learned this through the years with so many things. I need to live it with my work.
In those weeks that I've done a lot of drawing, some playing with mediums, and really just tried to remember who I am.
I've lost myself in music that I loved when I was a kid. (And by "kid" I mean in my late teens and early twenties.) I've listened to old California underground (I'm not going to say punk because I loved them all...) bands...T.S.O.L, Adolescents, The Stepmothers (I can't believe they're on Apple music!), Agent Orange (I still could listen to them all day), Descendents (Milo!), Social Distortion (those were just today) and anything else I can bring back to my aging brain. (X, Black Flag, Souxsie, The Dickies, Minor Threat, 7 Seconds...straight edge baby!) I can't believe how many bands I used to love. (I still remember every word to every song. I was so happy!) I've listened to Martin Denny's Exotica for hours. Then, I always end back with Guster. My favorite band by far.
Another reason I left the internet was that I can't seem to handle this shameless world full of invisible, yet outspoken, critics.
Recently someone I used to think highly of took a personal conversation to social media and called me crazy because I had an opinion that didn't mesh with their own. It had been the first time I had been on facebook in over a year. It was also the last time I've been back. It was enough to slap me into remembering that I don't have to settle for anyone in my life. I don't have to accept anyone. I am allowed to want what I want, think what I think and be who I believe I am. As long as I don't hurt anyone (that's a personal choice, though it tends to bite me in the butt more times than not.) I am good enough for me. If you aren't okay with that, please just leave me alone.
That said, I dove into my newest idea. In my next post (have I said that before?) I'll start filling you in with what I've figured out. It started out very grand. Circumstances over the past year have really taken the wind out of me, so I'm just going to start. We'll see how it goes from there.
Sending you all tons of love on this beautiful spring day. I hope every minute is as wonderful as you hope.